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With luck, however, fate will ignore our so-called predictions. Last year, we made our predictions for 2007—thankfully, none of them came true. Now, amid the promise of a heated presidential election, an economy on the verge of collapse and countless celebrity scandals, we offer TheSequitur.com's bone-headed predictions for 2008.
Britney Spears will be arrested six times and somehow still manage to subject her children to the unbecoming and humiliating spectacle of their mother’s downward spiral no less than five days a week. (We realize we may be low-balling those figures.)
Barack Obama will win the South Carolina primary, only to lose any chance of clinching the candidacy after doing the ‘Hammer-dance’ in celebration. African-American voters, disgusted with his archaic dance moves, instead vote for Hillary in hopes of a few more notes out of her husband’s soulful sax. The subsequent general election competition between Giuliani and Clinton will be decided by Simon Cowell, who will pronounce which one of the candidates looks better in a dress. Apple will unveil the iColon: an implant that allows the user to talk out of his or her ass. It will also play MP3s, putting artists like the Butthole Surfers exactly where they belong. “Put a little Apple in your ass” will be named marketing slogan of the year by several advertising industry groups.
Pleased with the way the surges in Afghanistan and Iraq have bolstered democracy and respect for the United States throughout the World of Warcraft, President Bush will send U.S. troops to confront the looming threat in the Falkland Islands. Queen Elizabeth II commends Bush’s move, and offers to send supplies of fish and chips (with plenty of malt vinegar!) to the 950,000 U.S. troops now occupying the menace islands.
As was the case last year, we have some predictions about the state of reality television. After all, we don't think there is an end in sight to the writers’ strike, which means networks will have to reach into the writer-less world of reality TV to find programming. In the next year, we think those shows may just be the most depraved and idiotic ever.
Finding Larry Craig: Hidden cameras are installed in airport bathrooms nationwide, each tracking the infamous senator to determine the true nature of his exploits once and for all. Widescreen will be enabled for “wide stances.” Junior Ultimate Fighting Championship: Through a series of grueling elimination battles, a group of 48 children between the ages of 5 and 15 take to the Octagon to battle it out for the chance of being named sponsor for Juiced: the energy drink for kids who just aren't quite as good as they could be. Looking ahead to 2009, there will be a steroid scandal that brings the TV show down in flames, earning the program the historic distinction of being the “Milli Vanilli of Television.”
Kid Nation: Survivor Edition: Since kid-themed reality shows continue to be the rage, the next step is to take another group of 48 kids and dump them on an island with absolutely nothing except their own cameras to record their antics. The show is taken off the air after just three episodes due to an unfortunate fatality involving Dutch rubs, Indian burns and a tainted cootie shot.
Extreme Commute: Think your drive to work is bad? Just wait until you experience the hell that Dick Driver endures every morning on the New Jersey Turnpike. Cringe as Dick's favorite drive-time disc jockey is canceled. Thrill as Dick has a blowout and must consult his vehicle owner's manual to figure out how to change his tire. Laugh when he finds out his spare has a hole in it. The season concludes with a finale akin to the movie “Falling Down,” earning the program the highest network ratings ever recorded--ever.
Michael Vick's prison sports career will boast fabulous stats including the record for most soap fumbles in a single season. He will be “sacked” no less than 37 times, as he will have a hard time keeping it up in the pocket despite a rock hard offensive line. Analysts note that--despite his versatility as a player--because of his time in prison Vick will never be able to play tight end. On the bright side, his time in the clink will make him a natural for wide receiver.
Meanwhile, the New England Patriots will defeat the Dallas Cowboys in the Super Bowl; the Detroit Red Wings will defeat the Ottawa Senators in the Stanley Cup; the Boston Celtics will defeat the Phoenix Suns for the NBA Championship; the Detroit Tigers will defeat the Chicago Cubs in the World Series; Moosejaw, Saskatchewan will edge Fort McMurray, Alberta in an epic battle between Canada’s premier municipal curling teams; and Casey of Mudville will finally get that winning hit.
With luck, however, fate will ignore our so-called predictions. Instead, we hope, the presidential race will be decided on more than the candidates’ superficial quirks or past personal lapses, sanity will overcome the parties gridlocked in the writers’ strike, prison won’t be as bad as Ted Koppel makes it out to be and the whole of 2008 will find you and your family safe, happy and free from fear.
Asst. Managing Editor Dwayne Robinson abstains from all staff editorials. |
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