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"An Italian priest says he is organising the world's first beauty pageant for nuns..." -- BBC News This is what I think it might look like, as told by two professional commentators covering the event: IKE: This is Ike Onography—
DANTE: And this is Dante Kitseriously, reporting live from the First Annual Miss Sister Beauty Pageant in Naples, Italy. Rosary cheeks and perky chastitties abound at the spiritual love-fest designed by Priest Antonio Rungi, eh, Ike?
IKE: They sure do, Dante.
DANTE: Now is it Rungi like “fungi” or Rungi like “bungee?”
IKE: It’s neither, Dante. And here he comes. Father Rungi, you overcame much skepticism to make this pageant happen. How do you respond to accusations that the very idea of a beauty contest is irreligious?
"An Italian priest says he is organising the world's first beauty pageant for nuns" -- BBC NewsFATHER RUNGI: “Beauty is a gift from God. Do you really think nuns are all wizened, funereal old ladies? Today it’s not like that any more, thanks to an injection of youth and vitality brought to our country by foreign girls….The Brazilian girls above all.”
IKE: Thank you, Father Rungi. So, what do you think, Dante, do Latina competitors have an advantage?
DANTE: Oh yes, Ike, they just have naturally bigger…holiness…than the rest of the participants. Speaking of which, it looks like the pageant emcee is wearing the traditional bowtie and Pope hat, really getting into the Holy Spirit of things.
IKE: Yes, that’s called a mitre, and it symbolizes sovereignty of Christ. Also, that man is a bishop. The Hallelujah chorus is dying down, and I believe the ceremony is about to begin.
ANNOUNCER: “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...to get ready to rumbbbblllleee…!”
DANTE: With pizzazz and humility, the contestants take the stage. And they’re quite beautiful, aren’t they?
IKE: Indeed they are. You can tell quite a few are limping, obviously trying to score points with the judges by strapping their largest barbed cilices around their legs.
DANTE: Nuns are now removing their cloth habits for the swimsuit competition. Don’t need to walk on water when you have one of those, eh, Ike? And you sure were right about those cilices…ouch! By the by, someone should tell contestant number Six that inner beauty has an age limit. She gives a new meaning to “Holy Cow!”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...to get ready to rumbbbblllleee…!IKE: You clearly don’t understand what this event is about, Dante. The contestants are now crossing themselves in unison, but oh no! Contestant Two’s veil got caught on her prayer beads and was ripped off – she’ll definitely lose points from the modesty judge for that. Coming up next is the talent portion of the competition. While the contestants change back into their habits, what do you think Dante, any stand-outs?
DANTE: It’s a close race, Ike. I was thinking of asking out contestant Seven or Fourteen, but there’s no telling if any of the judges feel the same. Priests are hard to read that way…
IKE: Um, and here comes the talent show! What you see here are some of the more common routines: Knuckle-slapping marksmanship, Hail Mary speed trials, and Bible juggling. Though that interpretive dance by Four clearly misinterprets “all we like sheep.”
DANTE: I’d say her first mistake was thinking the Church would let her interpret anything on her own. Meanwhile, contestant Eleven appears to just be standing still on stage. What’s she getting at, Ike?
IKE: She’s trying to induce rapture. And oooh, her time ran out. That’s an automatic deduction. Better luck next millennium, Eleven.
[T]he pageant emcee is...really getting into the Holy Spirit of things.DANTE: The stage is reset for the question and answer portion. Father Rungi is ready with the first question, and it’s “Why do bad things happen to good people?” Oh, it’s a stumper! Most contestants are struggling, but number Twelve has fallen down to her knees.
IKE: Praying for the answer will definitely score her some points for poise.
DANTE: Now the next question. It’s, “How would you describe your ideal date?” I tell ya, I’d sure like to know what Seven thinks. But contestant Nine is so embarrassed she has refused to answer. The judges are going to crucify her for that.
IKE: That’s one inappropriate metaphor, Dante. “Tall, dark, and suffering” is the most common answer, though there were a few saints and popes thrown in there.
DANTE: Trying to stand out like that will definitely not win them any points.
IKE: I’m beginning to think you don’t know much about modern Catholicism, Dante. Here comes the final question; be sure to watch for a trick one.
Trying to stand out like that will definitely not win them any points.DANTE: Right you are, Ike: “Could God make a rock so heavy He couldn’t lift it?” We have ten yeses and six nos, while at least three other contestants are having panic attacks.
IKE: Some crises of faith are to be expected. They will pass – but oh no, contestant Eight is walking off stage, grabbing a science textbook from the pile of confiscated materials. I’m afraid her atheism will mean disqualification.
DANTE: That’s the end of the competition. We’ll take a brief commercial break while the judges tally scores.
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DANTE: And we’re back! Dante Kitseriously here with Ike Onography. As the hour of judgment draweth near, the contestants have filed to the front of the stage. Mouths are moving in silent prayer as the envelope is handed to the announcer.
IKE: Actually, Dante, it’s not an envelope but a six-hundred-year-old block of wood whose pattern closely resembles a number. It’s a sixteen! Contestant Sixteen is the winner by divine ordinance! And a Brazilian, too – Father Rungi must be happy about that. You can be sure this prophesy will be added to his sainthood file.
DANTE: Well, that concludes the first annual Miss Sister Beauty Pageant. But have faith, it won’t be the last. And Father Rungi has even signed a deal with Fox to produce two television series, starting in fall 2010, pending our avoidance of a 2009 apocalypse. So be sure to keep watch for “Vatican Idol” and “Survivor: Inquisition.”
IKE: This is Ike Onography and Dante Kitseriously. Thanks for watching, and stay holy.
[BBC News, Times Online]
Jeff Dubbin is a contributing editor for TheSequitur.com.
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