Well folks, the time has finally come to bid President Bush so long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night. Whether you love him or hate him, one thing is certain: He has provided some fantastic comic relief (as opposed to economic relief) during the past eight years. From killer pretzels to ‘Bushisms’ to doors that won’t open, there are far too many moments of Bush hilarity to put in just one list. These are the five that made me laugh the hardest.
1. “Is our children learning?” Bush began his mangled journey through the English language long before Dick Cheney became the highest officer in the country. At a stop on the campaign trail in January 2000, the so-called “education president” turned to that subject, telling barbeque-munching supporters, “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
Despite gaffes like this, the American people chose Bush in that election. Bush went on to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, one of the most significant pieces of education legislation. But it took him seven years to answer his own question. In September 2007, at a made-for-TV event, Bush said, “As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured.”
I guess the only question left to ask is, “If our childrens is learning, what does our childrens learn?”
Watch Bush answer his own question below.
2. The pretzel incident On Jan. 13, 2002, Bush was enjoying a football game and some pretzels at home in the White House when he began to choke. He lost consciousness momentarily and was eventually examined by Air Force physician Dr. Richard Tubb, who pronounced him healthy and embarrassed.
The event was parodied endlessly by comics, most notably a week later in the opening sketch on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live.” The president, himself, got in on the joke, telling an audience of John Deere workers the next day, "If my mother is listening, mother, I should have listened to you: Always chew your pretzels before you swallow.”
Watch the video to see Bush describe the choking incident.
3. The great escape In November 2005, the president was on a trip to Beijing and decided to call a press conference at his hotel after he met with Chinese President Hu Jintao. Bush answered five questions before one reporter said, “Respectfully, sir – you know we're always respectful – in your statement this morning with President Hu, you seemed a little off your game, you seemed to hurry through your statement. There was a lack of enthusiasm. Was something bothering you?”
Bush, possibly thinking about the last place where he ate a pretzel, retorted, “Have you ever heard of jet lag? Well, good. That answers your question.”
He lost no time heading straight for a locked door. He tried both handles of the large and, actually, quite beautiful double door. Upon realizing it was locked, he laughed at himself, yielding one of the funniest faces of his administration.
"I was trying to escape,” he said later. “Obviously, it didn't work."
Watch video of Bush’s foiled escape.
4. OB-GYNs in love During his re-election campaign, Bush attacked the Democrats’ Presidential and Vice Presidential nominees Sens. John Kerry and John Edwards about their position on malpractice lawsuits. Kerry and Edwards sided with trial lawyers (surprise), Bush with the doctors. In an effort to show his support, Bush said on a campaign stop in Poplar Bluff, Mo., “Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.”
It isn’t exactly clear what kind of love Bush was talking about. No matter what it sounds like in that sound bite, he’s probably not talking about the kind of love that could bring on one of those nasty malpractice suits. Regardless, it was yet another example that the most important representative of our country could not be trusted to speak off script without mangling his sentences. And since he was re-elected two months later, I guess the American people were alright with that.
Watch MSNBC’S “Countdown” host Keith Olberman’s reaction to the gaffe below.
5. The debate about wood The second Bush-Kerry debate on Oct. 8, 2004, was full of excitement: Kerry talked about how rich ABC’s moderator Charlie Gibson was, Bush almost forgot to thank Washington University for hosting (it’s not as big as Poland, but still) and an alleged timber mill spawned another classic Bushism.
Kerry was defending his tax plan when he said the following:
“Ladies and gentlemen, that's just not true what he said. The Wall Street Journal said 96 percent of small businesses are not affected at all by my plan.
And you know why he gets that count? The president got $84 from a timber company that he owns, and he's counted as a small business. Dick Cheney's counted as a small business. That's how they do things. That's just not right."
The President could have just denied the claim, or asked Kerry where he got that information. Instead, he turned on the old Bushie charm to get the audience on his side:
BUSH: “I own a timber company?”
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
“That's news to me.”
(LAUGHTER)
“Need some wood?”
The magic is in the delivery. Can you imagine Kerry trying to pull something like that off? Of course not, because Kerry isn’t funny. But Bush is hilarious, even when he’s not trying to be, but especially when he is.
Watch the video if you don’t believe me.
So, as Bush leaves the White House (hopefully through a door that isn’t locked) and heads back to Texas (where we still have plenty of brush for him to clear for his timber mill), let’s remember the lighter side of his legacy. He’s not only leaving behind two wars and an economic crisis, he’s leaving behind hours of hilarious YouTube clips that show just how easy it is to slip up when the eyes of the world are on you. [NY Times, Reuters, CNN, LA Times, BBC, Debates.org, Front Page Image byAndy Marlette]Branden Hart, TheSequitur.com managing editor, works as an editor in San Antonio.
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